Benjamin Stewart

Ian and myself would like to thank everyone who has left a tribute or lit a candle in our little
mans memory we really appriciate all your support.

we would also like to announce the safe arrivial of Benjamin's little brother Duncan on 31st aug
2008, our angel took his big brother responsibilitys seriously after Duncan's heart rate dropped and
i was rushed into theatre, there was a knot in his cord, we believe Benjamin ensured Duncan was
safely delivered into our arms. thankyou our sweet angel
xxxx


Our son Benjamin was stillborn on 17th June 2004 and this is his storey, I found out I was expecting
Benjamin in Early March, he was to be Ian and I's first Baby and we were so excited, however things
didn't go to well, I started bleeding at 6 weeks and after scans and hospital visits I was told not
to worry that everything was fine, things were going okay until 13 weeks when I started bleeding
again, In the hospital we had another scan and we saw the baby being very active on the monitor
kicking etc, that was such a relief but I still couldn't relax, everyone told me to enjoy pregancey
but I was scared.


we had to go into B&Q later that week I went to the wallpaper section and tore a sample of border I
wanted for his nursery, at this point we didn't know if it was a boy or girl so we chose a tan
coloured border with animals on it. I couldn't wait to start buying things for our baby, We had
chosen names Mackenzie for a little girl just because we liked the name and we decided on Benjamin
for a little boy in memory of Ians nephew Benn who died of cot death years ago, we had called Ians
sister who was so honoured that we had chosen this, we had also arranged for my mum and dad to buy
the cot, One of my mums friends had a very expensive one sitting in her attic, she was going to sell
it to my mum. I was thinking of where to put everything that was in the spare room should we sell it
or put it in storage, I was coming up with all sorts of Ideas. and found myself relaxing a bit.




Then on Monday 14th June at 4.30am I woke up wet, as soon as I tried to get up I could feel more
water escaping I knew then something was seriously wrong, we headed to the nearest hospital the doc
there was a disgrace, he didn't look at my notes just felt my tummy and looked at the sanitry towel
I had put on, then told me to go home call my doctors surgery when they opened to be referred to the
maternity hospital, My doctors didn't open for another two hours.

We eventually were taken by ambulance down to the hospital where I was examined then admitted, we
still hadnt had it explained to us what had happened it was early Tuesday Moring when the Consultant
came in and explained that my membranes had ruptures and that there was no fluids in my womb, they
explained that the baby's lungs hadn't developed properly and without the liquid in my womb they
couldn't develope any more, she then went on to explain that Labour would start by it'self at some
point but his chances of survivol were almost nil. She explained that as I was perfectly healthy the
baby probably had an abnomality for this to happen and that we now had to make the most difficult
decision of our lives, Do we allow our baby a very slim chance of life, a life where he would be in
constant pain and may not live more than a few days, or do we induce labour and stop the pain for
our baby. we decided that we did not want our baby to suffer and so decided to induce labour it was
a very hard decision and I hated myself for doing it but I knew it was the right thing to do, I was
induced Wedensday 16th June at 10am, we went for a walk around the hospital, but came back in when I
started feeling sick, once I got back inside I rushed to the toilet to throw up.

Later that day my mum came in and the midwife let her come into the labor ward, she came into my
room with tears in her eyes and gave me a big hug, she sat for a couple of hours and then had to go
home.

Ian phoned his parents who live in the north of scotland a 4 hour drive away, as soon as they heard
they started driving down, they popped into the hospital to see us both when they arrived, then went
to Ians brothers house where they would be staying overnight, Then it was just me and Ian with the
midwife popping in every few minutes. Ian was great, he never left my side, he ate nothing but toast
and biscuits which the Midwife brought to him, he also slept on a very uncomfortable recliner, that
was when he was able to sleep, most of the time he sat and watched over me feeling completely
helpless.

On Thursday 17th June 2004 at 7.40am Benjamin Stewart was stillborn. both sets of parents were now
back at the hospital and were in the waiting area, as soon as he was born and cleaned up our midwife
went and fetched them, my dad tried to take photos with his mobile phone but the camera phones
weren't that great back then. I watched the pain etched on each of their faces as they held their
grandson, Ians dad was so upset at one point he stood with his head against the wall facing away
from us and tears in his eyes Ian said he had never seen his dad so upset.


We had him blessed by the Hospital Chaplin and with the midwife and his grandparents present, after
which the midwife went to get his little box with all the memorial stuff in it. after a few hours
holding him it was time to go home. Ians parents drove me and Ian home in silence, when we got home
Ian ran me a bath and Ians parents went to the shop to buy milk bread etc as we had not been in the
house for a week. They then went back to Ians brothers house. and again Ian and I were left alone, I
put some clean PJs on and lay on the couch sobbing, I kept hoping it was some terrible nightmare and
that I would wake up and my boy would still be with me.

Ian phoned his other sister who also lives in the north of scotland, she invited us up for the
weekend. we sat and though about it, and decided to go as I didn't think I could put up with the
phone ringing all weekend. we left the next day with Ians parents, I took his memorial box with me
and would not let it out of my site, it went everywhere with me like a security blanket.

Something I regret now is not arranging the funeral ourselves, the hospital did this for us and
arrange his cremation there was not service we were told the date and time and if we wanted to spend
5 minutes with the coffin we could. we phone our families to tell them, and made the point of
telling them we did not expect them to be there.
He was cremated on Monday 28th June. at 2.45. Ians parents drove the 4 hours down and left straight
after, Ians Brother and Sister in law was there, my Auntie teeny was there and my best friend, my
parents didn't want to go as they felt they had said goodbye at the hospital. we left a little teddy
on his coffin and said goodbye, everyone hugged us afterwards and then left, Ian's brother gave us a
life home.

A few weeks later we had our appointment with our consultant for our PM results and there was no
abnomality, PM result showed a perfectly healthy little boy so we have no reason while this
happened, he will always be our angel and will always be in our hearts. I hope he forgives me.

This was the worst time of our lives but I couldn't have gotton through it with out the supports if
family and although everyone was very supporting Ian and his parents were brilliant and I will
always be greatful to them for everything they have done and do every day month and year for us.
Even now they are really great.


* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Here are a few poems that we have found comfort in though our time of grief, if you have any
suggestions or would like to share a different poem please email me thankyou.


Ian Wrote this a few days after Benjamin went to heaven to put in the memory book in the hospital.

My lad my little man my boy
In such a short life you gave me so much joy
The pain the hurt the sorrow the regret
But your name I know I'll never forget

Pain subsides and joy returns
the grief will end and laughter begin
But when all is said and done
Benjamin, you will always be my son

by Ian Stewart (Benjamins Daddy)

* * * * * * * * * * * * *
This is one I found on the internet.

AN ANGEL NEVER DIES

Don’t let them say I wasn’t born

That something stopped my heart

I felt each tender squeeze you gave,

I’ve loved you from the start

Although my body cant hold.

It doesn’t mean I am gone,

This world was worthy, not, of me,

God chose that I move on

I know the pain that drowns your soul,

What you are forced to face,

You have my word, I’ll fill you arms,

Someday we will embrace,

You’ll hear that it was “meant to be,

God doesn’t make mistakes,

But that wont soften your worst blow,

Or make your heart not ache,

I’m watching over all you ,

Another child you’ll bear,

Believe me when I say to you,

That I am always there

There’ll come a time, I promise you,

When you will hold my hand,

Stroke my face and kiss my lips,

And then you’ll understand

Although I’ve never breathed your air,

Or gazed into your eyes,

That doesn’t mean I never “was��?

An angel never dies….

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Ians mum heard this one after Benn died

I am still his mother

In a baby castle, just beyond my eye
My baby plays with angel toys that money cannot buy.
Whom am I to wish him back into this world of strife?
No, play on my baby, you have eternal life.
At night when all is silent and sleep forsakes my eyes,
I'll hear his tiny footsteps come running to my side.
His little hands caress me so tenderly and sweet,
I'll breathe a prayer and close my eyes and embrace him
in my sleep
Now I have a treasure I rate above all other,
I have know true glory~I am still his mother.
(Author Unknown)


* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Ian read this on the SANDS forum and wanted it adding here.

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through,
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave--
He lost his baby too.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *
we have found alot of support from the sands forum and met alot of really nice people whom i am glad
to call friends. If you have suffered the loss of a child or know someone who has and need to talk
then visit one of these sites,

http://www.uk-sands.org
http://www.sandsforum.org
http://www.babyloss.com

* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Every year there is a baby loss awareness week in october, please check out babyloss.com on the
above link for more information.

June is also National SANDS month please check out the website for more details.

SANDS is always in need of fundraisers and support to continue to do the great work, if you would
like to help raise money please visit the SANDS . Org site.

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Here are websites of Benjamins Angel Friends please take time to visit them, and light a candle or
pay tribute
.
If you would like your angels website added please e-mail me and this will be done gladly.

www.paige-leigh.memory-of.com
www.riley-herbertevans.memory-of.com
www.kori-hubber.memory-of.com
http://harvey-bax.memory-of.com
http://www.geocities.com/mummy2alison/angelfriends.html