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Benjamin Stewart

Ian and myself would like to thank everyone who has left a tribute or lit a candle in our little mans memory we really appriciate all your support.

we would also like to announce the safe arrivial of Benjamin's little brother Duncan on 31st aug 2008, our angel took his big brother responsibilitys seriously after Duncan's heart rate dropped and i was rushed into theatre, there was a knot in his cord, we believe Benjamin ensured Duncan was safely delivered into our arms. thankyou our sweet angel
xxxx


Our son Benjamin was stillborn on 17th June 2004 and this is his storey, I found out I was expecting Benjamin in Early March, he was to be Ian and I's first Baby and we were so excited, however things didn't go to well, I started bleeding at 6 weeks and after scans and hospital visits I was told not to worry that everything was fine, things were going okay until 13 weeks when I started bleeding again, In the hospital we had another scan and we saw the baby being very active on the monitor kicking etc, that was such a relief but I still couldn't relax, everyone told me to enjoy pregancey but I was scared.


we had to go into B&Q later that week I went to the wallpaper section and tore a sample of border I wanted for his nursery, at this point we didn't know if it was a boy or girl so we chose a tan coloured border with animals on it. I couldn't wait to start buying things for our baby, We had chosen names Mackenzie for a little girl just because we liked the name and we decided on Benjamin for a little boy in memory of Ians nephew Benn who died of cot death years ago, we had called Ians sister who was so honoured that we had chosen this, we had also arranged for my mum and dad to buy the cot, One of my mums friends had a very expensive one sitting in her attic, she was going to sell it to my mum. I was thinking of where to put everything that was in the spare room should we sell it or put it in storage, I was coming up with all sorts of Ideas. and found myself relaxing a bit.




Then on Monday 14th June at 4.30am I woke up wet, as soon as I tried to get up I could feel more water escaping I knew then something was seriously wrong, we headed to the nearest hospital the doc there was a disgrace, he didn't look at my notes just felt my tummy and looked at the sanitry towel I had put on, then told me to go home call my doctors surgery when they opened to be referred to the maternity hospital, My doctors didn't open for another two hours.

We eventually were taken by ambulance down to the hospital where I was examined then admitted, we still hadnt had it explained to us what had happened it was early Tuesday Moring when the Consultant came in and explained that my membranes had ruptures and that there was no fluids in my womb, they explained that the baby's lungs hadn't developed properly and without the liquid in my womb they couldn't develope any more, she then went on to explain that Labour would start by it'self at some point but his chances of survivol were almost nil. She explained that as I was perfectly healthy the baby probably had an abnomality for this to happen and that we now had to make the most difficult decision of our lives, Do we allow our baby a very slim chance of life, a life where he would be in constant pain and may not live more than a few days, or do we induce labour and stop the pain for our baby. we decided that we did not want our baby to suffer and so decided to induce labour it was a very hard decision and I hated myself for doing it but I knew it was the right thing to do, I was induced Wedensday 16th June at 10am, we went for a walk around the hospital, but came back in when I started feeling sick, once I got back inside I rushed to the toilet to throw up.

Later that day my mum came in and the midwife let her come into the labor ward, she came into my room with tears in her eyes and gave me a big hug, she sat for a couple of hours and then had to go home.

Ian phoned his parents who live in the north of scotland a 4 hour drive away, as soon as they heard they started driving down, they popped into the hospital to see us both when they arrived, then went to Ians brothers house where they would be staying overnight, Then it was just me and Ian with the midwife popping in every few minutes. Ian was great, he never left my side, he ate nothing but toast and biscuits which the Midwife brought to him, he also slept on a very uncomfortable recliner, that was when he was able to sleep, most of the time he sat and watched over me feeling completely helpless.

On Thursday 17th June 2004 at 7.40am Benjamin Stewart was stillborn. both sets of parents were now back at the hospital and were in the waiting area, as soon as he was born and cleaned up our midwife went and fetched them, my dad tried to take photos with his mobile phone but the camera phones weren't that great back then. I watched the pain etched on each of their faces as they held their grandson, Ians dad was so upset at one point he stood with his head against the wall facing away from us and tears in his eyes Ian said he had never seen his dad so upset.


We had him blessed by the Hospital Chaplin and with the midwife and his grandparents present, after which the midwife went to get his little box with all the memorial stuff in it. after a few hours holding him it was time to go home. Ians parents drove me and Ian home in silence, when we got home Ian ran me a bath and Ians parents went to the shop to buy milk bread etc as we had not been in the house for a week. They then went back to Ians brothers house. and again Ian and I were left alone, I put some clean PJs on and lay on the couch sobbing, I kept hoping it was some terrible nightmare and that I would wake up and my boy would still be with me.

Ian phoned his other sister who also lives in the north of scotland, she invited us up for the weekend. we sat and though about it, and decided to go as I didn't think I could put up with the phone ringing all weekend. we left the next day with Ians parents, I took his memorial box with me and would not let it out of my site, it went everywhere with me like a security blanket.

Something I regret now is not arranging the funeral ourselves, the hospital did this for us and arrange his cremation there was not service we were told the date and time and if we wanted to spend 5 minutes with the coffin we could. we phone our families to tell them, and made the point of telling them we did not expect them to be there.
He was cremated on Monday 28th June. at 2.45. Ians parents drove the 4 hours down and left straight after, Ians Brother and Sister in law was there, my Auntie teeny was there and my best friend, my parents didn't want to go as they felt they had said goodbye at the hospital. we left a little teddy on his coffin and said goodbye, everyone hugged us afterwards and then left, Ian's brother gave us a life home.

A few weeks later we had our appointment with our consultant for our PM results and there was no abnomality, PM result showed a perfectly healthy little boy so we have no reason while this happened, he will always be our angel and will always be in our hearts. I hope he forgives me.

This was the worst time of our lives but I couldn't have gotton through it with out the supports if family and although everyone was very supporting Ian and his parents were brilliant and I will always be greatful to them for everything they have done and do every day month and year for us. Even now they are really great.


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Here are a few poems that we have found comfort in though our time of grief, if you have any suggestions or would like to share a different poem please email me thankyou.


Ian Wrote this a few days after Benjamin went to heaven to put in the memory book in the hospital.

My lad my little man my boy
In such a short life you gave me so much joy
The pain the hurt the sorrow the regret
But your name I know I'll never forget

Pain subsides and joy returns
the grief will end and laughter begin
But when all is said and done
Benjamin, you will always be my son

by Ian Stewart (Benjamins Daddy)

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This is one I found on the internet.

AN ANGEL NEVER DIES

Don’t let them say I wasn’t born

That something stopped my heart

I felt each tender squeeze you gave,

I’ve loved you from the start

Although my body cant hold.

It doesn’t mean I am gone,

This world was worthy, not, of me,

God chose that I move on

I know the pain that drowns your soul,

What you are forced to face,

You have my word, I’ll fill you arms,

Someday we will embrace,

You’ll hear that it was “meant to be,

God doesn’t make mistakes,

But that wont soften your worst blow,

Or make your heart not ache,

I’m watching over all you ,

Another child you’ll bear,

Believe me when I say to you,

That I am always there

There’ll come a time, I promise you,

When you will hold my hand,

Stroke my face and kiss my lips,

And then you’ll understand

Although I’ve never breathed your air,

Or gazed into your eyes,

That doesn’t mean I never “was��?

An angel never dies….

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Ians mum heard this one after Benn died

I am still his mother

In a baby castle, just beyond my eye
My baby plays with angel toys that money cannot buy.
Whom am I to wish him back into this world of strife?
No, play on my baby, you have eternal life.
At night when all is silent and sleep forsakes my eyes,
I'll hear his tiny footsteps come running to my side.
His little hands caress me so tenderly and sweet,
I'll breathe a prayer and close my eyes and embrace him
in my sleep
Now I have a treasure I rate above all other,
I have know true glory~I am still his mother.
(Author Unknown)


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Ian read this on the SANDS forum and wanted it adding here.

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through,
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave--
He lost his baby too.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *
we have found alot of support from the sands forum and met alot of really nice people whom i am glad to call friends. If you have suffered the loss of a child or know someone who has and need to talk then visit one of these sites,

http://www.uk-sands.org
http://www.sandsforum.org
http://www.babyloss.com

* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Every year there is a baby loss awareness week in october, please check out babyloss.com on the above link for more information.

June is also National SANDS month please check out the website for more details.

SANDS is always in need of fundraisers and support to continue to do the great work, if you would like to help raise money please visit the SANDS . Org site.

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Here are websites of Benjamins Angel Friends please take time to visit them, and light a candle or pay tribute
.
If you would like your angels website added please e-mail me and this will be done gladly.

www.paige-leigh.memory-of.com
www.riley-herbertevans.memory-of.com
www.kori-hubber.memory-of.com
http://harvey-bax.memory-of.com
http://www.geocities.com/mummy2alison/angelfriends.html

Add TributeTributes to Benjamin

There have been 22 tributes left for Benjamin.

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Claire & Ian & Mostly Lil Duncan....
My Heart aches for You & your family, No 1 Knows The pain & The "Empty Arm syndrome" Leaves ANYONE who has lost a Child, regardless of Age.
Being someone who has been in this Situation, Knows & Understands your Pain. my Thoughts & prayers Go Out to ALL Of the Family!!He will watch Over all Of you Forever..

Treva

Treva C (Friend) May 13, 2009

Angel

As you say your son is only asleep as if he was not he would not have been there to help his sibling

My thoughts are with you all
x

Sheila Good
January 31, 2009

When i read your story i broke down, it brought back so many memorys of when i had my still born son in 03, It was so hard to even come to terms that my baby had died while he was inside me, i still feel to his day le down by the local hospital as feel he could have been here today if they had done more,
Imyself have had 2 more children who are 2 and 4 and am pregant again, They will never replace my darling albie but they make my faith in life that much stronger.
Im sure your little boy is watching over you everyday as i know mine is.
The pain will never go of losing him but just knowing he is safe playing with the other angels makes me feel a bit better, There is nothing i can say that make pain go away but just thought i would write and send my love,
Take care. Gem

Gemma Bastable
January 2, 2009

A mother to an Angel

I am sorry for your loss I really am. Your little Baby is with all the other little ones that have sadly had to leave us .. I wish it were different for you all I really do.I am a member of Life After Death ~Baby Loss Forum it may help you in some way...

Take care of yourself.
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Mummy To An Angel
August 29, 2008

Happy Birthday Angel

Happy birthday little man, 4 years old you are getting a big boy now, have fun in the clouds today with all your little angel friends, we love you so much and miss you, remember look over your little brother today and keep him safe in mummie's tummy.
big hugs and kisses
xx

Claire And Ian Stewart (Mummy) June 17, 2008

im so sorr

hey your story had me in tears i lost my little in december last year she was still born to at 39 weeks n 4 days im sure they will be playing together. take care hope you are all ok xxxxxx

Zoe (someeone who cares)
June 14, 2008

hey hunny..
i just had to leave a little message to say i hope you will find piece within youreself, you done what a mother had to do - gave your baby the best chance of life.
little benjamin is still with you , im sure, he will watch over you, his daddy and his little brother, duncan, when he arrives.
my heart is with you all, and admire you even more now after reading your story. i think you are a strong person, and im sure little benjamin knows you chose the right thing to do.
god bless little man.
xxxxx

Kerry Robinson (Friend) May 5, 2008

sorri for ur lost of baby benjamin

im so sorri for your lost really am such a touching story very upsetting ,my sister gave birth to her her baby rhianna stillborn on valentines day this year she only had 8 weeks to go so seeing my sis going through pain it must be the same for you loseing such a lovley geogous baby,there proply up there now all the little baby angels playing getting and into mischief,at least he be in a safe place ,with rhianna ,sorry again for ur lost ...xxx

Untie Nikki March 20, 2008

God bless you Benjamin.XXX

Missing you so much.XXX 27th Apr 2007
mum
In the rising of the sun and in its going down,

We remember them.

In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter,

We remember them.

In the opening of buds and in the rebirth of spring,

We remember them.

In the blueness of the sky and in the warmth of summer,

We remember them.

In the rustling of leaves and in the beauty of autumn,

We remember them.

In the beginning of the year and when it ends,

We remember them.

When we are weary and in need of strength,

We remember them.

When we are lost and sick at heart,

We remember them.

When we have joys we yearn to share,

We remember them.

So long as we live, they too shall live,

for they are now a part of us, as

We remember them.

Tricia Donaldson Kierans Mum
April 28, 2007

I'm so sorry for you both

I have just read your story and it is absolutly heartbreaking. I lost a baby in 2005 it was ectopic but I can only imagine the pain and sorrow in your hearts. I hope you find happiness again you will be in my thoughts x

Jamie Fricska (passerby) April 2, 2007

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